Some days are spectacular. And you breathe it all in, and exalt in the joy of living, and are glad for every moment the day brings because you know nothing could be better. You revel in it and live in the moment, making a hug last for hours and a kiss for days. You feel the warmth not only of the sun, but of everyone and everything around you. And you feel at one with it all and wish the sun would never set.
Some days are, well, just days. And you get up and feed the fish and wash the dishes and do the laundry and change the diapers and go to work because you need to and come home feeling less than excited about how you spent the last 12 hours and sorry for the time you missed with the people you love before you kiss them and put them to bed and try to ignore all the little voices in your head that speak of things better left in the dark.
And some days you fall down that hole that the voices come from.
They remind you of your failings. The time not spent with people who need you. The bills unpaid. The grace others have offered and you could not find a way to repay. The forgotten dates. The ways in which you have disappointed the people you love the most. And continue to disappoint them. The number of ways in which 'they' were all right about this missed steps and poor choices that led you to... now. The now in which you are struggling and still failing by everyone's standards. And you wonder... if your inadequacies were removed... would they be better off? How much better could someone else do the things at which you are currently horribly inadequate? And how long would it take those left behind to appreciate the improvement when they realized the albatross had been cut free of the ship? Hours? Days? And in the end, how long would it take to remove the ugly black stain you'd created on their lives?
I am not a beautiful butterfly....
Who knew the cocoon would produce such a bent, mutilated worm....
Some days are, well, just days. And you get up and feed the fish and wash the dishes and do the laundry and change the diapers and go to work because you need to and come home feeling less than excited about how you spent the last 12 hours and sorry for the time you missed with the people you love before you kiss them and put them to bed and try to ignore all the little voices in your head that speak of things better left in the dark.
And some days you fall down that hole that the voices come from.
They remind you of your failings. The time not spent with people who need you. The bills unpaid. The grace others have offered and you could not find a way to repay. The forgotten dates. The ways in which you have disappointed the people you love the most. And continue to disappoint them. The number of ways in which 'they' were all right about this missed steps and poor choices that led you to... now. The now in which you are struggling and still failing by everyone's standards. And you wonder... if your inadequacies were removed... would they be better off? How much better could someone else do the things at which you are currently horribly inadequate? And how long would it take those left behind to appreciate the improvement when they realized the albatross had been cut free of the ship? Hours? Days? And in the end, how long would it take to remove the ugly black stain you'd created on their lives?
I am not a beautiful butterfly....
Who knew the cocoon would produce such a bent, mutilated worm....
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